April Fools Organic Dump

Close encounter of the 2nd kind.

On Saturday, I was walking into the Whole Foods grocery store to buy some overpriced organic vegetables, and I had a horrifying encounter. There was a large, fresh dump in the entrance to the Whole Foods grocery store. The grocery-cart-retriever and I spotted it at the same time, and shared a little moment. We both looked down at it, looked back at each other, and I gave her the little head nod that means ‘Yep. Those’re feces, and you have to deal with it, not me.’

I can’t stop thinking about it, as I’m sure you can understand. It had to have happened within the preceding few minutes. The pile was inches from being repeatedly smushed between the automatic doors, and the doorway was at the back corner of the parking garage. No dogs would be in that spot. If it was produced by some gargantuan baby, perhaps it could have been a failed attempt to unload the diaper into the adjacent trash can. But to not clean it up would still be an awesomely fucked-up thing to do. And though baby shit would be disturbing enough, I think it was a full-grown adult shit. My best theories are April-fools prank, disgruntled former employee, or some incontinent old lady. Anyone with loose-fitting shorts or a skirt on could pull off the old ’shake it down the pant-leg’ without drawing too much attention. If it was an April-fools prank, I don’t see how they were really fooling anyone. As far as disgruntlement goes, I have desired on many occasions to coil one up on the doorstep of that place, and I know I’m not alone. In fact, if it was a shit-of-rage, I withdraw all my objections, though not my disgusted awe and fascination.